sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
