I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
