I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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