Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
