This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
