I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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