She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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