the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
