You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You are the jesus of drinking
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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