im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
