in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
