I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
