There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
