you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
