I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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