The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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