i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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