sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
