i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
this boner is exhausting
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
