I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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