is your mom at the bar?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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