ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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