Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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