I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
