Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
