I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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