After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Sorry my hands just texted you
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Randomize
