im about as happy as oj after his trial
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
