Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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