Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
