Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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