I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
