I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
