I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
