She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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