I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
