I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
