I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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