He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
