The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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