You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
