Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
