I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
