if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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