I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
well you can't waste a boner
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You're like the curious george of whores
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Randomize
