he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
