Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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