You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
