Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
