Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
