I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
