i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
