I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
