The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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