Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
