i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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