I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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